…especially true when parenting TCK’s!
…especially true when parenting TCK’s!
Mamas, meet my friend Tina. We were in Bible study together here in Haiti, and her words have spoken comfort to my soul for many years now. And now, she’s graciously agreed to share some wisdom with you, too! Enjoy.
When we came home for a year between stints in Niger, West Africa, I went to my best friend’s house where she showed me the beautifully detailed scrapbooks of her two girls. Each page had typical American experiences including July 4th parties, dressing up, T-ball, church retreats. Being a world away from enhancing your child’s memories with coordinated stickers, I started to feel weirdly disconnected until I started to cry. My poor friend was wondering what kind of strange I’d turned into when I blurted out, “My kids will NEVER have those kinds of experiences!”
I thought about how hard it was just to get their clothes clean, how they had no idea about movies and concerts their stateside peers were watching, and the fact that instead of neat uniforms and baseball leagues, they played soccer with a duct-taped flat ball in the street. Their Wodaabe peers were finding wives at 14 and their missionary kid friends were just as clueless about the states as they were. My children were in a “youth group” made up of maybe 10 people ranging from 6-18 and I remember their Sunday nights together involving games of Sardines.
Would they ever be able to make it back in the States? Would they be impossibly out of touch? Had I failed them?
My friend said something suitably comforting, and I moved on, but still struggled with doubts about our move to the Sahara with three sweet kids, and then later, to Haiti with my youngest, a girl of fourteen at the time.
The typical comment most missionaries say is, “They have a much richer life and perspective. They will thank you for the differences later.” I can agree with this, but like everything, it’s more complicated. Sometimes, they felt isolated and didn’t understand why certain things were so important. “Why does it matter if I wear shoes here? I don’t understand why people won’t just say what they mean. Who cares if my pants are this length? What’s funny to them isn’t funny to me.”
Sometimes they felt superior or inferior or just weird. Helping them through that wasn’t always fun. Again, doubts. Did we let them down?
Fast forward to three married kids, one with his own children. The long view back over the years is a luxury I don’t take lightly.
My overwhelming sense now is simply that God helped them. He brought people along who taught them how to make the culture leap, interpreters and patient friends who could bridge the gap. He gave them a groundedness and faith that was vibrant enough to withstand the isolation. They became very insightful about American culture and good at navigating it while holding on to their early experiences. And they became good friends to each other and to us. And they DID end up able to enjoy July 4th celebrations, league baseball and dances.
The same one who called us, called and sustained our kids. As they allowed Him to direct and love them, they grew into beautiful whole people. I think about those days as a young mom and wish I could have patted my hand and said, “It’s truly going to be alright, scrapbooks or not.”
Consider your hand patted, mamas. Mine included.
Man, this article had a ton of resources. I’d probably take me a week and read through them all. (Possibly, I am Netflixdistracted.)
One thing we’ve done for our kids when they’re little is a paper chain. It makes it a little more concrete, instead of them waking up every day wondering if today’s the day we fly out. I’ve also written the fun things we’d like to do in the U.S. on the links, and we talk about them when we tear them off. That gives them a better idea of what to look forward to.
Happy weekend, mamas!
This spoke encouragement to my heart, especially the part about kids leaving home. I’m not nearly to that part yet, but I’ve seen how hard it is on friends. God is faithful, mamas!
This is the results of a survey, but I think her summary at the end is very valuable. The mission field is tough; we should feel no shame if we need a little extra help processing it all. And that goes for our kids, too!
Have you taken your kids to a counselor? Was it a positive experience?
Don’t miss the links at the bottom to groups that specialize in working with TCK’s! Skype counseling, mamas; it’s a thing.
The last one was “permission to redefine significance,” and it really surprised me. It’d never occurred to me that my kids might feel pressure from within to be a missionary due to all the praise our ministry gets from others.
Did any of them surprise you? Did you disagree with any?
Happy Monday, mamas!